My boyfriend keeps provoking arguments that he blames on me and demands I give him bj's as the only way for him to forgive me.
My relationship is on its last legs. My boyfriend has gotten into this dynamic where he provokes arguments and then flips it against me blaming me for causing them. I feel I'm going crazy because it's a mindfuck, I literally do nothing and out of nowhere we're in the middle of a huge argument where I'm the bad one but through the grace of his heart he'll forgive me if I give him a blowjob, which he knows I hate doing.
I feel he's getting off in making me do something I don't want to do, I don't enjoy it and I don't feel comfortable doing it. I feel trapped, when I say we need to talk and I want to break up with him, he says I'm a whore and I'm breaking up because I'm fucking someone on the side, which I'm not. And when I say I'm gonna stay and we're gonna work through this, he say's I'm a user who's using him to have a roof over my head. Which is also false because I could easily go to my parents house until I get back on my feet.
I feel I can't do right by him. He insisted we moved to the middle of nowhere where there's only 1 bus, I'm hours away from my friends, I don't drive so I can't go anywhere and I'm having a lot of trouble finding a job.
Yesterday he suggested I go on Plenty of Fish and set up a profile looking for friends. So I did, I even read it to him and made it abundantly clear I was there only looking for friends. Not even an hour later he starts accusing me of setting up that profile to cheat in him. He told me to do so!! He said I'm a whore and I'm gonna start sneaking out as soon as he goes to work. Next thing I know we're in the middle of a full blown argument where I'm a cheating whore and he's the poor boyfriend being cheated on. Then he says he'll forgive me if I give him a blow job.
I don't know how the fucked he spinned it on me that I felt like I genuinely did something wrong. I ended up giving him the blowjob while I was crying my eyes out saying I didn't want to do it but he said that was the only way he'd forgive me for what I'd done. He ejaculated in my mouth which I told him not do.
I felt used, disgusted and I felt very confused because I feel like he played with my mind. I only did what he asked and he still got mad.
Right now I'm sitting on the couch typing this on my phone with a packed suitcase next to me. He's at work and I'm on the verge of calling a cab, breaking my sim card and leaving him for good.
Update- I've left.
Update 2- I'm safe. I'm with my friends. I took a train and my friend came pick me up. I'm at her house and the rest of my friends have come over and are gonna spend the night with me at her house. I've told them what happened. I also told my parents but I spared some details I don't want them to know because it'll hurt them too much and I'm ashamed. I've already bought a plane ticket back home for Tuesday and I'm gonna stay with my parents until I heal enough to get a job and get back on my feet. I also have my siblings back home and my childhood friends. So I know it's gonna be ok, I won't be alone.
I've left everything behind, my furniture, my clothes, my books, my personal belongings but I got my dog with me, my passport and a few things. The rest are material things that can be replaced. I got my dog and myself out, that's the most important thing. I'm taking my dog back home with me. He's my dog. I've deleted facebook, deactivated my email account and have canceled my cellphone line. My parents are communicating with me through my friends phone until I buy a new sim card tomorrow.
My friend has sent a text to my ex-boyfriend saying they know what he did to me -and what he's been doing- and I'm breaking up with him, not to contact me or we're going to the police for rape and harassment and a few other things. He doesn't know where I am and he doesn't know I'm flying back home. Besides the name of my city he doesn't know my home address back in my home country so I doubt he can find me there (400k people). He's been calling my friend non stop and after she blocked him he's been calling her from different phone numbers and sending threatening texts, she's keeping a record of everything in case things get ugly. He's also been calling my parents and siblings even though they don't speak English. He's called my grandmother and my friends back home too, they don't speak English either. It looks like he had copied all the numbers from my cell and has been calling them one by one. My friends are taking care of it and are calling each other to give a heads up of what's going on and block him or keep screenshots and records of the texts he's leaving.
I've asked them not to tell me anything else today and wait until tomorrow because I can't physically deal with anything else today. I'm broken. I'm at the verge of a nervous breakdown. My friends wanted to take me to the ER to get a tranquilizer or something but I'm so scared I don't want to leave the house. It's irrational, I know he's not here and doesn't know where I am, but the fear is so deep within me I'm scared of leaving the house.
I've read a few replies and I'll read every single comment tomorrow, I just can't do it today. But thank you from the bottom of my heart for all the support I'm getting. And especially thank you to the first people who replied, because those messages gave me the push I needed to get off the couch and call a cab. Thank you so much to all of you. You've saved me and I have no words to express my gratitude.
When I'm back home I'm gonna look for a therapist because I realize how broken I am and I'm gonna need a lot of help to recover from this. There are many things I've left out in my OP because I didn't have the stomach and the mental strength to type them out, but I'm genuinely scared for my life and even thought I'm 300 km away from him right now, I still feel he's gonna come through the door any moment and get me.
He used to say 'Either you kill me or I'll kill you first'. I've lived in fear for 4 years, right now I'm in a state of panic and scared shitless. I can't stop shaking and crying and I'm scared what he might do when he gets back from work. I don't care about my stuff, I know I'm not getting it back and I don't care, I got my dog and my passport, but I'm scared what he might do. I don't know to what extent he can go. I left him once before but I was stupid and when I was in the hotel I picked up the phone and he talked me into going back home and things were great for a day but then it got much worse. He used to lock me up in a room for days or he'd take my phone, the wifi cable, the landline phone, my house keys, my wallet, my ID card and he'd leave for days. He's done things to me that are nothing in comparison to what I wrote before. He's sodomized me, he's beaten me up, he's starved me, he's the one who's controlled all the money I made, he made sure I cut off all contact with my friends and family, he's told a different story to his friends where he's the victim and I'm his abuser. He's tortured me. I can't explain nor justify why I didn't leave him sooner. I blame myself for it because 'd never thought I'd end up like this.
I'm so fortunate to still have my friends and family by my side and I'm very grateful they're all staying over to sleep here so I feel protected. I'm broken inside. I'm a shell of a person. I'm not the outgoing happy go lucky young woman I was 4 years ago. I've gone through fucking hell. The things I've lived are not just not to write them here. I think not even a psychologist would believe me if I talked about this, because I stayed for 4 years and nobody knew what was going on. Our neighbors knew but he always made sure to go play the victim and say I'm unstable one and have 'episodes'. The whole story is the other way around, nobody who knows him would believe a word I say.
I have so much pain in my heart. It's unbearable and there are moments I feel I can't breathe. I feel I'm dying inside. I have so much pain and so many realities are hitting me today, I'm realizing a lot of things, and putting others together. It's too painful. I just want to stop feeling this pain I don't want to feel anything. The inside of me is screaming, I'm so tired and I'm in so much pain. I'm very tired and I just want to stay with my friends in silence and cry. I can't talk anymore today, I can't deal with how much is hurting to say certain things out loud and even making the effort to be coherent to type this out is overpowering me. I will update when I'm home safe.
Thank you very much for everything. My dog and I are safe and that's what matters.
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