TIFU by performing the "Major Tom" technique and now I think I'm going to be disowned

If you aren't familiar with the "Major Tom", it's because it's a thing I (hopefully) came up with. It's a form of "auto-erotic asphyxiation" by using gravity.

Basically, you jack off normally; but before you nut, you squat down as low as you can to the ground and breathe short shallow breaths while still whacking it. This part is called "Getting in the shuttle."

As you nut, you jump up from that squatting position as fast as you possibly fucking can and hold your breath. This is considered "Take off."

If performed correctly, you should become VERY lightheaded and experience pure bliss due to the orgasm from your cock rocket. This is called "Being in space" due to the fact you feel like you're floating.

This is a technique that should be performed only by professionals, in a controlled environment. I, however, am not a professional despite creating the technique. You see, by hyperventilating and jumping up, you are literally cutting your brain off from oxygen. No oxygen = no consciousness.

When I "Took off" I fucking jumped up at Mach 50 and must've ripped a fucking hole in the goddamn space-time continuum. Because the next thing I know I was laying on the ground with my dick out, covered in space juices from my trip around the sun.

Before I could even pick myself up off the ground, my mom rushed into my room to see if I was okay. She heard my re-entry. This part is called "Disappointing your mother."

You can just imagine the scene she walked into.

She stared at me with a mix of disgust, anger, and again, disappointment. I stared back with what I thought was confidence like I was Buzz Aldrin and just got back from the moon. But thinking back on it, it was probably embarrassment while I was desperately trying to put my space plane back in the hangar while getting on my feet as quickly as possible, and due to the fact, she's never caught me before. (At least not to my knowledge.)

She ended up closing the door and stomping her way back to the living room, presumably to watch more Judge Judy, and to take her mind off of what she just fucking witnessed; or consider disowning me. I cleaned myself up, taking off my spacesuit and putting civilian clothing on. Somehow none of the rocket fuel managed to get in the carpet, just my clothes, and I managed to not even injure myself in the crash.

I'm currently writing this in my room right now, and I don't plan on leaving it anytime soon until I can think of what to say to her. If there is anything to say at all.

TL;DR: Just like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun and came crashing back to Earth, covered in Space Juice™

submitted by /u/Lemiius to r/tifu
[link] [comments]

from reddit: the front page of the internet https://ift.tt/2NkjiC6