TIFU by going on my first date in years
So usual disclaimer, this happened last week not today but I've only just recovered enough to talk about it.
Also for context I am a detective with the police which was on my profile.
So I have been single a few months now and finally decided to give those tinder style apps a go. I was recommended Bumble by a colleague which is essentially just tinder but bee themed.
I downloaded the app Thursday and by Friday I had a date so I thought things were going well. First date I arrange for Saturday at a busy shopping centre.
Now I've been out of the dating game for a while and we were chatting about movies so we went to go to the cinema to see Mortal Engines.
I knew the first greeting was always going to be awkward, the whole "hey is that x? 《YOU NOW HAVE 1 SECOND TO DECIDE ON KISS ON CHEEK, AWKWARD HUG OR LAME WAVE THING》 but what happened was none of those things. Instead I get hit with " TELL ME WHO YOU ARE I NEED TO VERIFY YOU" which not going to lie is as romantic a greeting as smearing yourself with marmite and announcing "let's have a toast for the pretty lady!"
Anyway she then asks "WHAT'S THAT ON THE FLOOR" pointing to a large pile of dust. It's a pile of dust I tell her and she makes me double check.
Dust confirmed we move on to the cinema and purchase tickets the announcer in my brain exclaimes 《YOU ARE NOW LOCKED INTO THE DATE》
We got an hour and a half till the movie so we grab some ice cream cause that's cute as shit and head to Starbucks (which fyi is a crowded mutherflucker) grab a table and she leans close... zero chill just dead pan asks me "...what's the darkest job you have ever dealt with..."
Now I've got some H.P. Lovecraft dark stories so I try to give her a PG version of a double murder I had some involvement with. (Note: everything I discussed could also be easily read about online)
"HOW DID HE KILL THEM? WAS THERE A LOT OF BLOOD? DID YOU SEE IT? WAS IT LIKE THE MOVIES? I LOVE MURDER STORIES, HAVE YOU SEEN MAKING A MURDERER? HAVE YOU HEARD ABOUT X MURDER? DID YOU KNOW THIS ONE GUY ONCE CHOPPED HIS MUM'S HEAD OFF AND HAD SEX WITH THE CORPSE ISN'T THAT FACINATING?!?!"
(Let me just remind you it's as crowded as balls in leather pants in this coffee shop and people are looking over)
She also hits me with a few probing questions "Have you ever committed a crime? Have you ever done drugs?!"
Trying to recover some semblance of a date I joke "haha only if you count downloading showbox as a crime"
Next it's my turn to ask some questions and throw out the classic "Tell me about your self" (I know it's lame but I panicked)
"Oh I've just been released from 18 months locked up in a psyche ward in Broadmoor, it was pretty much a doss and I got to meet people like naked Phillip"
Now gripped with what can only be described as the terror a double D breasted woman feels in a slasher flick I decide I have two choices.
1) Run into the crowd and disappear
2) continue date (what could go wrong in a cinema? It's just 2 hours of awkward silence)
Let's just say I chose poorly...
Before we move off though she asks me to search her chair... I don't really do much except say it's fine but after walking off she decides my efforts were not good enough and goes back to search it properly.
Finally into the cinema now 10 minutes after start time so it's adverts but most people have sat down... of course there are people in our seat, what looks like a family of 14 parts like the Red Sea so we can sit in the seats we paid for but they are somewhat miffed.
Suddenly my date whips out the flashlight on her phone and starts search the chair! The woman from the family is also some nutbar and starts yelling "MY EYES! TURN OFF THAT LIGHT!! ARRGHHFYFBIFWYH"
my date sits down in darkness for a whole 5 minutes before deciding that she wants to have a round two of flashlight rodeo.... queue raging snickers lady "I'M GOING TO KNOCK YOU OUT I TOLD YOU TURN THAT LIGHT OFF"
I'm not about to white knight defend this woman, I'm a god damn spectator here! The fruit and nut villain is eventually calmed down by her fella.
Date goes for lucky number 3 flashlight gamble, this time I have to step in and say thus is not ok.
So movie time. I'm sure Mortal Engines is a fine film... but it's pretty out there and loooong. All I'm thinking about is the 3 pieces of advice I was given prior to app dating
1) don't get drunk 2) don't send dick pics 3) don't stick your dick in crazy
So despite the horror movie Mortal Engines has become I am still a man and she is still an attractive woman so I'm repeating number 3) again and again in my head like a monk trying to achieve enlightenment. Lucky the date is so bad and my fear so palpable that logic wins out.
After the movie she goes to the bathroom and hands me her coat and bag, can't run yet... got to wait...
She returns dead serious "I NEED YOU TO FOLLOW ME"
this is where I die i think, I'm being lured to the bathroom to be filleted like a fish and used as a skin suit in some crazy sex game.
She walks me to an isolated area and points at an especially large pile of dust
"WHAT'S THAT?"
I say just a large pile of dust "ARE YOU SURE, CAN YOU CHECK"
Sure enough it's just dust...
So keen to make good my escape I lay down a "woah look at the time... 8:30! Got to grab that train" she responds "you know I'm really thirsty... could really go for a drink!"
Not willing to be the 3rd party to a human centipede I push on "central line that's Me! Oh you too? Great..."
Next she smashes out a "you know the Overground train for me is an hour wait.... I don't really want to wait an hour... so thirsty..."
The next stop I just decided the wrong station was the right place to be, "oh look at This! Haha my stop lovely to meet you BYE"
The journey home was the most paranoia driven thriller of my 29 years...
TLDR
My first date in years was with someone murder obsessed and recently released from a mental health facility. Now too scared to date anyone ever again.
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