How do I (34M) break up with my long time depressed dependent girlfriend (34F) that has no life skills?
Genders are actually reversed, he knows I've been browsing this sub lately and I'd prefer it if he didn't find this.
I'm ready to break up with my boyfriend of 16 years, but am not sure how. He has suffered from depression all his life, and suicide isn't new to his family. He never graduated high school, doesn't have a license, and has no job experience other than a minimum wage job his mom got for him in his early 20s that lasted a couple years... that was over 10 years ago. It's clear to me he is not interested in those things, even for us. None of his family or close friends are particularly well off or in a position to support him.
I feel like a bad person, but I don't see a future together that I want. I just wish I'd come to this realization sooner.
We have no kids, only 3 cats. We're not married, and everything is in my name (house, car, bills, etc). Only thing I can think of is he's on the bank account, but I doubt he'd have the ambition or means to do anything with it. I'd probably give him half our money (about 5k), and maybe something for the house... We've paid off about 40k of it. Or technically, I have.
He's finally started seeing someone for his depression the last few months, and I worry ending things will mean he'll stop that too. I still care very much for him, but I can't keep supporting him and our relationship has been very strained this past year.
How do I break up? I don't want to completely abandon him and take everything, I want him to have the opportunity for getting the help he needs.
Update : I told him I wanted to break up. Said this wasn't the life I wanted, and that I gave his sister a heads up and she's available if he wants to talk. I'd like to sort out logistics later, and we can use our couples session this Thurs to work on any sticking points.
Then left the house. He wants to know why now, why can't I give him a chance to work on it, why can't we work through this, etc. I had to leave, or I'm going to start saying things I regret or break down. Not sure when to go back, but hey its pokemon go community day so I won't be bored (what can i say, I'm an optimist and this is me looking for the bright side)
I'm feeling a bit heartbroken right now, but thank you for all the support and encouragement, it's been really helpful to me.
Update #2 : sorry for calling you fuckwads for upvoting, it was meant to be a joke. I lovingly call my friends that because the word is funny, and meant it similarly here.
I didn't expect this post to be so popular, or hit the front page. I had planned to delete it, but seeing all the advice and hearing so many people with similar stories, I'm going to leave it up. Its not that I'm ashamed or trying to hide anything i wrote, its just i know this post would hurt him. I knew the risk posting online and title is different enough he may not even click if he sees it (we're 33, and he's not interested in relationship drama posts). I'll try to post other updates too. I appreciate all the encouragement, it means a lot to me and helps keep me strong in my decision. Sorry if I don't have time to reply to everyone.
And if my boyfriend or family/friends find this, I'm sorry. I don't want to hurt anyone with this post, but this is me reaching out for emotional support from internet strangers because there's nobody close I can talk to and get emotional support from that isn't also close to him, or wouldn't be biased towards our relationship. I'd rather you didn't read this.
Update #3 : He's gone to stay with someone, asked me not to touch his stuff. No logistics have been discussed except it sounds like I won't see him for a bit. I've cried a lot, but am feeling lighter for it. Have been messaging a couple people from family and shared friends a bit. They all heard from him first, except his sister who I gave a heads up to (with no details). It's hard at the moment, feeling they're all on his side and hearing their thoughts about it. But I wouldn't have it any other way. I want these people to be there for him when I'm not, he doesn't make friends easily.
I'm not sure I should keep airing personal drama on the internet to strangers, but it is helping me right now. Gives me people to talk to, and encouragement. Not sure how healthy it is in the long run, so someone tell me if it isn't good for me.
I'm tired and think I can sleep now, been a restless past few nights as I sorted this all out. Will try to respond to questions later.
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